Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Beautiful
Beautiful
What is beautiful to you? I was watching a video of my niece's wedding. As she was dancing with the man she married, I was overcome by the yearning and tenderness in her face as she looked at him. At that moment, Annika was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen because she was seeing the most beautiful thing SHE had ever seen.
There's a lady at my work. She is adopting a baby soon and she gets the same look on her face when she talks about the baby. Her face softens, her eyes and her smile absolutely DAZZLE you, and it squeezes my heart and puts a lump in my throat to see her like this. Such happiness exudes from her at those moments.
I believe that everyone is born with one beautiful thing. We need to recognize that beauty, whether it be a physical feature (their smile, their eyes, their hands, cheeks, lips, feet) or something within that is not immediately apparent until you get to know them.
In some, it's a thought, a word, or the passion they show when they are driven by something. Sometimes it's the look on their face when they speak of or think of something they love. I look for it in everyone. I usually find it.
pateeta
10:34 PM
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Ashes to ashes. Dutchy to dust.
In the near future I will drive out to Lake Havasu to London Bridge (which is THE actual London Bridge built in 1825 in England, but when it started to sink into the Thames River they disassembled it and sold it to some schmuck in Arizona, then built a new bridge in London). Wanna buy a bridge?
Sometime after my trip to London Bridge I will take her to San Diego, as that was her last trip with her friends, and also the place of my childhood so it is very special to me. I will sit on the beach in Coronado, at the tide pools behind the Del Coronado Hotel (which, by the way, are also where MY ashes are going some day). I will look out at Point Loma, and watch the Navy fighter jets flying overhead. I will send some of her ashes into the waves in the California sunset, as California is the first place she came to after leaving Jolly Old England.
Finally- in March 2007 I will travel to Jackson, Mississippi with the rest of her. I will bring many of Sarah's cherished things to give to some of her many, many friends. We will have a memorial to our friend, Dutchy. We will laugh, remembering how funny she was and all the goofy shit that she pulled. We will cry, as she has left this world and her loss is felt deeply.
These ashes are not all that I have left of my friend. Her biting humor, her wit, her charm, even her bitchiness were all packaged up into one small bundle of dynamite- they are a part of me and will stay with me forever. Especially the time she called me a "stee-yew-pid COW". lol
Rest in Peace Dutchy.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Her father will give me half of her ashes to put in places that were special to her here in the U.S. The other half he will place on a special hill overlooking London where Sarah played as a child.
I miss my friend. She was only 45, and I loved her.
pateeta
Friday, May 05, 2006
My Sleeping Friend
I tiptoed into the hospital room on little cat feet, so as not to wake her (which is totally unlike my usually boisterous self). I stood there quietly and just watched her. Breathing. Absorbing the force of her. As quietly as I could, I puttered around her room, adjusting her blanket, straightening her cards, arranging her chapstick and green jello just-so on the tray. Untangled a few tubes. All the while watching her out of the corner of my eye.
Then I sat in the chair berating myself and wondered why I haven't been a better friend to her. How, in this year after moving back to Arizona when my marriage fell apart and I was trying to get my life back together I didn't make the time to drive up to see her more often. It's only 25 miles. I know I should have. I've seen her maybe 10 times in the last year, and this is COUNTING the last 3 times in the hospital.
We think we're going to live forever. So we think we have time to do it later, call her later, next week, next month, just....... later. We don't. I prayed she wouldn't wake up and see this sorry-assed excuse for a friend that she has. But I also prayed that she would. I want to tell her that I'm sorry. I want to tell her that for the rest of her life she can count on me to be there. That she still makes the meanest tea and toast in the world that'll cure any hangover. I want to tell her that she's changed my life and my kid also thinks the world of her. I want to tell her that I love her.
He enjoyed the people watching, snickered and snorted at some of the things people were wearing, and at one point said "Look! Hooters!" causing me and everyone within earshot to rubberneck at him, and then to look for the 'hooters'. Then he laughed and pointed to the flashing sign for Hooters. He got a good yuck out of that.
The first band was Trapt, which he likes, then Chevelle came on and he only liked one song. Then Nickelback came on and just rocked the house with "Animal". I swear, the look in my kid's eyes when the giant fireballs went up was priceless. He was diggin' it! He especially loved how everyone stood up and sang Photograph and How You Remind Me together. The video screens gave him a good view of what he otherwise couldn't see on the stage.
We came out of the show with some free water bottles, a Nickelback poster, our ears ringing, and a great memory of his first concert, not to mention the REAL hooters he saw on the video screen when they lit up the crowd. I know HE'LL never forget.
pateeta
I've been a Grandma for 3 weeks now. It's all been a blur. No sleep, constant joy, or my ears cracklin' from The Bebe screaming. She is LOUD! My boyo just loves, loves, LOVES her- how can he not, he is her UNCLE now. He's trippin' on that.
I am blessed.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Ashes to ashes. Dutchy to dust.
I sit here with the ashes of my friend in a container on my desk. Even though her father took half of them back to London, there is still quite a lot there. I heft its weight in my hand- about 3 lbs. I checked. It looks like beach sand with small shells in it.
Anyway- within the container of ashes of Sarah is another, smaller container. In it are the ashes of her mother, which I found while cleaning out Sarah's apartment. I will mix these ashes with Sarah's. While I'm standing on London Bridge, I will think about my friend and all that she meant to me. Then (when no one is looking, cuz in some places it's frowned upon to be flingin' ashes around) I will fling a few handsful of her ashes into the wind. She'd like to be flung, I think, as that's the way she lived her life- by flinging herself into it.
Sometime after my trip to London Bridge I will take her to San Diego, as that was her last trip with her friends, and also the place of my childhood so it is very special to me. I will sit on the beach in Coronado, at the tide pools behind the Del Coronado Hotel (which, by the way, are also where MY ashes are going some day). I will look out at Point Loma, and watch the Navy fighter jets flying overhead. I will send some of her ashes into the waves in the California sunset, as California is the first place she came to after leaving Jolly Old England.
Finally- in March 2007 I will travel to Jackson, Mississippi with the rest of her. I will bring many of Sarah's cherished things to give to some of her many, many friends. We will have a memorial to our friend, Dutchy. We will laugh, remembering how funny she was and all the goofy shit that she pulled. We will cry, as she has left this world and her loss is felt deeply. 
Rest in Peace Dutchy.
pateeta
8:46 AM
8:46 AM
Sunday, June 25, 2006
That last night
So. It's taken me awhile to write about her. It's been 3 weeks since she left this world. My sleeping friend. I was with her the night before she died, as I had been almost every night for the past month. She went into Hospice shortly after my last post. She was there for maybe 2 weeks, then her dad came over from England and took her back to her apartment to care for her there.
Her birthday cards from 2 days earlier were still sitting on her night table. I got to hold her hand and tell her how much I loved her. I thanked her for being my friend. I played Moon Dance and Goodbye Yellow Brick Road for her while sitting in her room that last night. I kissed her goodbye. My little friend, so full of fire and spunk is gone. I wonder where she went? Does she see? Does she know? I want to think that she's gone 'somewhere'.
Her birthday cards from 2 days earlier were still sitting on her night table. I got to hold her hand and tell her how much I loved her. I thanked her for being my friend. I played Moon Dance and Goodbye Yellow Brick Road for her while sitting in her room that last night. I kissed her goodbye. My little friend, so full of fire and spunk is gone. I wonder where she went? Does she see? Does she know? I want to think that she's gone 'somewhere'.
Her father will give me half of her ashes to put in places that were special to her here in the U.S. The other half he will place on a special hill overlooking London where Sarah played as a child.
I miss my friend. She was only 45, and I loved her.
pateeta
9:03 PM
My Sleeping Friend
I tiptoed into the hospital room on little cat feet, so as not to wake her (which is totally unlike my usually boisterous self). I stood there quietly and just watched her. Breathing. Absorbing the force of her. As quietly as I could, I puttered around her room, adjusting her blanket, straightening her cards, arranging her chapstick and green jello just-so on the tray. Untangled a few tubes. All the while watching her out of the corner of my eye.
Then I sat in the chair berating myself and wondered why I haven't been a better friend to her. How, in this year after moving back to Arizona when my marriage fell apart and I was trying to get my life back together I didn't make the time to drive up to see her more often. It's only 25 miles. I know I should have. I've seen her maybe 10 times in the last year, and this is COUNTING the last 3 times in the hospital.
We think we're going to live forever. So we think we have time to do it later, call her later, next week, next month, just....... later. We don't. I prayed she wouldn't wake up and see this sorry-assed excuse for a friend that she has. But I also prayed that she would. I want to tell her that I'm sorry. I want to tell her that for the rest of her life she can count on me to be there. That she still makes the meanest tea and toast in the world that'll cure any hangover. I want to tell her that she's changed my life and my kid also thinks the world of her. I want to tell her that I love her.
My sleeping friend is. . . . . terminal.
pateeta
10:47 AM pateeta
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Nickelback
Took the boyo to see Nickelback on March 3rd at Glendale Arena. His first concert! After a $6 hot dog, a $5 coke, $8 worth of chicken strips and fries, an $8 beer for me and a $6 slice of pizza we were ready to rock!
He enjoyed the people watching, snickered and snorted at some of the things people were wearing, and at one point said "Look! Hooters!" causing me and everyone within earshot to rubberneck at him, and then to look for the 'hooters'. Then he laughed and pointed to the flashing sign for Hooters. He got a good yuck out of that.
The first band was Trapt, which he likes, then Chevelle came on and he only liked one song. Then Nickelback came on and just rocked the house with "Animal". I swear, the look in my kid's eyes when the giant fireballs went up was priceless. He was diggin' it! He especially loved how everyone stood up and sang Photograph and How You Remind Me together. The video screens gave him a good view of what he otherwise couldn't see on the stage.
We came out of the show with some free water bottles, a Nickelback poster, our ears ringing, and a great memory of his first concert, not to mention the REAL hooters he saw on the video screen when they lit up the crowd. I know HE'LL never forget.
8:38 PM
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Well, God!
I've been a Grandma for 3 weeks now. It's all been a blur. No sleep, constant joy, or my ears cracklin' from The Bebe screaming. She is LOUD! My boyo just loves, loves, LOVES her- how can he not, he is her UNCLE now. He's trippin' on that.
My girl is such a beautiful new Mommy. I am so proud of her. And so frustrated with her sometimes! I know she wants to do it all herself (as usual- "No! I do it!" hahaha) and it's hard for her to take advice. But I'm her Mom and of course I know everything about everything and what's best for her. LOL Besides, I've done this a couple times before.
I am blessed.
pateeta
2:02 PM
2:02 PM
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